Kelly Banning on surviving, and thriving, through adversity.

A communications professional, wife and Mum to two boys, Kelly Banning hasn’t let adversity stop her from success and happiness - and she’s had more than her fair share.

She grew up in a happy, healthy family home with both parents and two younger sisters, describing her childhood as “wonderful” with a mum and dad who “worked their butts off to give us the best of everything”. 

She became a mother at 21, then a single mother just six weeks later, but with the right support she was able to find her feet and establish a career. Her twenties and thirties brought both success and the deepest of despair, including experiencing emotional and physical abuse.

Now in her forties, Kelly has learned the importance of being in a “fiercely, strong, equal partnership” which she has with her husband Lance. A love that she says was “worth the wait.” 

A story of courage and determination Kelly tells us how she survived, and thrived, through adversity, built a career in a male-dominated industry and what she hopes to teach her sons about love and life.

BC: You had your first son at just 21, what kind of support did you have at the time and how would you describe those early years?

KB: I remember taking my parents to lunch with my then boyfriend to tell them I was pregnant - my mum was devastated and cried throughout the whole lunch. She cried because she thought I was too young, because we weren't married, because I was throwing my life away, because of what people would think of me. I think it took her a few weeks to come to terms with the news, but once she accepted it, she was my biggest support, and my parents both continue to be to this day. 

My relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated soon after - we were 21 and at prime partying age and this was the demise of our relationship for him. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and felt incredibly insecure, and by the time Marley was just six weeks old, I was a single mum. “You’re too fat and unattractive to be my girlfriend” were his parting words - words that have stuck with me forever and carried through future relationships.

I moved back in with Mum and Dad that same day and never looked back. It was incredibly hard, I felt like a failure, like I’d let down my parents and my newborn son. I had so much hate and anger inside me and I held on to that every single day for a year, until a wise woman told me: “It takes more energy to hate and be angry than it does to forgive and move on.” So that is what I did. 

The support of my parents, my sisters, my girlfriends and Marley’s paternal grandmother - emotionally, practically and financially, were what got me through those early years. I found a new job near home, returning to work when Marley was just a few months old, and I was fortunate to be hired by an amazing woman named Kerrie-Anne. She knew my personal situation, and saw something in me that I didn't. She was and still is one of my biggest supporters. I remember after about six months, I walked into her office in tears telling her I was resigning, that I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was going to be a stay at home mum now. To my surprise, she refused to accept my resignation, sat me down and told me how much potential she saw in me and that I’d be crazy to throw it all away. She’d taken a risk on me and believed in me so much - I truly don't think I’d be where I am today career wise if it wasn't for Kerrie-Anne and the day she refused to let me give up.

BC: Your second son came several years later but the relationship with his dad wasn’t meant to be. How did you, and your boys, navigate this time?

KB: At 24, I began my next relationship, my first as a single mum! We dated for seven years and had our son Cruz together when I was 28. He was a professional rugby player so his career took him all over the world, which at times made maintaining our relationship challenging - you need to have a lot of trust and strength to maintain a long distance relationship, which I definitely lacked at the time. He was an amazing stepfather figure to Marley and is still a wonderful dad to Cruz, despite living thousands of kilometres away. We lived in France in 2008-09 and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life to live abroad, but unfortunately we both wanted different things in life - we had very different careers in different countries and decided it was best to part ways. 

Cruz took the break up really hard…for years! He was angry that his dad didn't live with us anymore and that anger played out at home, daycare and school; his behaviour became quite destructive. He was too young to understand the reasons why, he just wanted his family back. The hardest part of that breakup was breaking Cruz’s heart. He was seeing psychologists and behavioural paediatricians for years as he was not coping at school and was later diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. Through constant therapy and counselling sessions from the age of three, and still today, I am so proud of the progress he has made in managing his emotions and the growth he has shown.

BC: Despite the challenges, you have successfully worked in senior communications & events for the entirety of your career - have you / do you experience mum guilt? How do you combat that?

KB: Absolutely! I think most mums do at some point. Pre COVID, my job saw me travelling overseas quite regularly, often every six weeks, so leaving my boys behind each time, especially when they were young, always left me feeling like a bad mum! I was lucky enough to have incredible support from my parents who would look after them while I was away, but the guilt was still there. I’d feel guilty for disrupting their routines, for missing out on school and sporting events, for burdening my parents with babysitting duties (my thoughts, not theirs), for not being ‘that mum’ who was available to do school canteen and excursions. 

On top of that, working in a very male dominant IT industry, my ability to do my job well AND be a good mum was often questioned: “You’ll be required to travel a lot - who will look after your kids while you’re away?”, “How will you manage the additional workload and responsibility with kids?”

“I guarantee you no one asks these questions of fathers in the workplace, but our ability to juggle both work and home is always questioned.”

Despite all of this, my driving force has always been my boys. I wanted to show them that mums can do everything, the importance of having strong work ethics and working hard, and more importantly that women can be the breadwinners and have successful careers. Growing up in the early eighties, my mum, and most mums I knew, were stay home mums and housewives, which I completely respect. I don't know how my mum raised three kids under three full time at home, and I knew that life wasn't for me. I hope that I’ve shown my boys that mums and women can do it all, and that they encourage, respect and support the women in their lives to be strong, successful, independent equals.

BC: Anyone who knows you well would describe you as being strong and resilient, but you found yourself in an abusive relationship in your thirties. Can you tell me about this time?

KB: Strong, independent and resilient were all words I would have described myself as too, which is why it still puzzles me that I fell victim to a narcissistic abuser in my thirties. I’d done the hard yards as a single mum in my twenties, surely I was past all of that and knew better now, right? 

Obviously I didn't knowingly go into an abusive relationship, but I look back now at those early weeks and months and think “how did you not see the red flags, Kelly?” But if anyone has dated a narcissist, you’ll know that in the beginning they have a way of winning you over with ‘love bombing’ - they court you with praise, promises of a future together, passion, charm, romance, and suck you right in to believing you’ve met your soulmate. Narcissists are drawn to empaths, and once they’ve completely drawn you in, your life is one rocky road of coercive control and manipulation. This was exactly how our relationship played out and within 12 months he had complete control of my life.

He brainwashed me into believing this was how it was going to be from now on and there was no getting out. He had completely isolated me from my support system, I wasn't able to see friends or family without his permission, and he monitored my phone calls and messages. 

If I needed to go to the shop to buy milk during the day, I was interrogated about my motives. Work events and travel became extremely difficult, especially working in a male dominated industry. I had to give precise details of my movements, from the name of a hotel or restaurant I was going to be at to getting pre-approval on what I could wear. If I was overseas, I’d have to text a photo each morning of what I was wearing that day, to ensure he deemed it appropriate. Several times I returned with new clothes I’d bought and if he thought they were too revealing, he’d throw them in the bin. 

The daily gaslighting was just a regular part of life. He’d always convince me I was wrong and I constantly found myself questioning my own memory and apologising to keep him happy. I was always walking on eggshells just waiting for him to explode over the tiniest of things, and so too were my boys. They were petrified of him and it still pains me to know they suffered because I was too weak to leave. I’d truly convinced myself I could fix him and make this relationship better! My kids could see I was in an abusive relationship, but I didn't. I kept making excuses and reassuring them that things would get better - but they didn't. 

One morning, we got into a heated argument about what I was wearing to a family lunch and I just knew it was the moment something awful was going to happen to me. I screamed out to the boys and told them to grab my keys and run! I remember my youngest, who was eight at the time, standing there crying, refusing to leave, screaming my name while I was pinned down on the sofa being choked. That moment is still etched into my mind. I managed to escape, we ran to the car and drove to lunch like nothing had happened. I begged the boys not to tell my family, but one of my sons did. I downplayed it and said everything was fine. 

Things progressively got worse from there and I later found out Cruz slept with a knife under his bed each night from then onwards. Every day I’d drive him to school - that was our only alone and safe time, and he’d plead with me to break up with him and leave, every single morning. Then I’d pick him up after school and his first question would be: “Have you broken up with him yet, Mum?”

“I knew I’d hit rock bottom, but I didn't know how to escape. I was scared to escape, I was scared of what he’d do to me or the boys if I called the police. I was trapped and had given up all hope. I remember going to bed each night accepting this could be the night he kills me in my sleep, and that still wasn't enough for me to leave.”

We continued our relationship for several more months, but I was broken. I wasn't the same bright, bubbly girl he’d met, which he soon got sick of, and unbeknownst to me he started a new relationship.

Good Friday 2018 was the final time I saw him - he’d moved out by this stage but we still were in contact and had planned a lunch. The day started off well but quickly turned ugly with a heated argument about his new girlfriend. This time, he called the police and reported me for stalking and abuse, which is laughable you’d think, but the police believed him and arrested me on the spot. He said he was in fear of his life, that I was crazy.  I begged the police to believe me, that he was the abuser, but they said they come across “crazy ex girlfriends” like me all the time and if I was really the victim I should've called the police myself. 

I was hand-cuffed, thrown in the back of a police car and locked in a cell for four hours. It was the lowest point of my life. I was slapped with a court order and appealed the AVO but he’d already contacted police to request that my appeal be denied. I was angry at the time, but in hindsight that AVO was the greatest gift he gave me, as we were now legally not allowed to be in contact at all.

It took me a long time to move on from that final moment and the four years of trauma that came with it. I’ve moved on now and that experience taught me so much about myself. It made me who I am today, it made me so much stronger, it taught me self worth, it taught me what I want in relationships moving forward, it showed me who I can rely on and who I can’t. I’m a better person because of it. It still breaks my heart that my boys witnessed all of this at such young ages, but I pray that the amazing relationship I am in now supersedes any beliefs they once may have had about love.

BC: Kel, I am so sorry you experienced that. What do you wish more people knew about abusive relationships?

That you just never know! And more importantly, not all abuse is physical or can be seen.

“No matter how strong or together or Instagram perfect someone’s life appears, it may not always be that rosy in reality. More often than not, a victim of abuse will be too afraid to speak out or to reach out for help.”

Many will often deny there’s a problem, downplay a situation, get defensive or deflect for fear of further abuse and retaliation or out of embarrassment.I was all of these things. It sounds simple, but if something seems off, it usually is. If you start to notice odd behaviour in a friend, look more closely. Has this person begun to isolate themselves from family and friends? Have they started to dress differently? Do they no longer have financial independence? Has this person lost all self confidence? 

If you know someone well enough, you will notice the slightest change in them, and if that change is a negative one, it’s a change worth looking into. Try and find a safe space to talk to that person alone, a phone call or text is not enough as the abuser will often control their phone. And be persistent - the victim will more than likely deny and deflect, hoping you’ll stop asking. Don’t stop asking and being there for that person, no matter how much the abuser likes to isolate them from you, because one day it could be too late.

BC: What kind of role has therapy played in your life?

KB: I didn't seek any traditional therapy, even through this experience, but found solace and peace again in working on myself spiritually, emotionally and through alternative holistic health. I’ve never been comfortable verbalising my feelings out loud, which is why I didn’t go down the traditional psychologist path, but I would journal my thoughts instead. I wrote a lot in those early months and found it very cathartic. Don't get me wrong, it was sometimes traumatising recalling the details and writing them out, but in a way I felt it freed me. We seem to remember snippets of trauma and sometimes downplay them, but when all of those little snippets over four years are journaled into one long story and you read it back, there is a huge light bulb moment! 

My sisters also referred me to a holistic energy healer - I was skeptical at first, but after my first session with her I instantly felt at ease. She picked up on details about our relationship that no-one could’ve known, she spoke about the trauma and told me the things I needed to do to move forward, things I already knew deep down but it took this complete stranger to actually make it happen for me. 

A year later, I had my last session with her - by this stage, I had grown so much, I’d moved on from the pain and was thriving. During that session, she could feel I was a new person again, and asked me if I was travelling overseas again soon, which I was. She said, “Kelly, you’ll meet an American man in a bar overseas next month who will change your life forever”. I laughed, thanked her for helping to heal me over the past year and left. That American man from the bar overseas is now my husband.

BC: As the mother of two boys, what do you hope to teach them about love and about life?

KB: I think about this daily and worry about it constantly. I worry that I’ve failed them as a mum sometimes, by placing them in situations and environments that weren’t healthy and that they had no control over. I was a young mum, still figuring out life myself. Through all the ups and downs, they've been through it all with me, and they’ve witnessed and experienced more trauma than any mum would ever want for their kids . If I could erase those moments from their memories, I would, but I know these will stick with them forever. 

My hope is that they will use these negative experiences for good, to help others in similar situations and know what to avoid in their own relationships. I hope I’ve taught them to love with abundance, with loyalty, with respect and with integrity. I hope they live their lives with no regrets, with kindness, empathy, and with the confidence I lacked at their age. Career wise, I hope they do what makes them happy each day, something they’re passionate about. I know Lance has come into their lives late, but he is all of these things and more, and I hope he influences them. Ultimately, I just want them to be kind people.

Interview by Bonny Co. | Images @tanecoffin | Connect @kelban