Hollie Kane on trauma, loss and leading by example.

A confusing and unsettling childhood had Hollie Kane living out wild and destructive teenage years, struggling to recognise the impact it had on her until years later: “Reflecting back, I don't think my parents were quite ready for a child, a lot of pressure was put on Mum to have children. She was only 23 and went straight back to work after having me as she wanted her independence back. My Dad was busy and successful in his career which meant we had au pairs from Europe who came and lived with us, running the household while both parents worked full time.

When I was 7, my parents sat my younger brother and I down to tell me they were separating. Not really understanding the concept of this until my mum moved to Christchurch, nannies again helped us through this transition.

It hit me pretty hard and I put on a lot of ‘puppy fat’ as people liked to call it. Mum came back to Wellington after a year and we then began to live with her. Life as I knew it changed dramatically - we now had to navigate where we struggled financially and I felt angry, confused, unsettled and unsure by my new normal”.

Self-worth, doubt and confusion played a major part in Hollie’s formative years but despite this, she remained resilient, generous and “gave anything a go in attempts to be the best I could be with the cards I was dealt,” she says. 

Here, Hollie speaks with us about facing up to her trauma, losing her best friend and how she’s preparing for her biggest role yet, motherhood.

BC: Let's start back at high school. How would your friends have described you back then?

HK: ‘Hurricane Hollie’.

I had a lot of instabilities and insecurities around my home and family life and don’t really know how I managed to somewhat function amongst the chaos. I was all about the good times, seeking dopamine hits given my low serotonin levels.

“I never thought about the repercussions that came with my wild decision making. It’s obvious now how impulsive my behaviour was and quite destructive.”

I am truly lucky that I am still standing to be honest -  and that my close knit group of friends stood by me through these times.

BC: How would they describe you now?

HK: My life has been full of unpredictable surprises and breakthroughs with life changing decisions. I have worked on myself a lot.

I have brought order to my chaos by finding freedom through routine and although it took me a lot longer than I’d have liked to get to this place, I couldn't be happier that I am finally here. I think my friends would describe me as having a high level of emotional intelligence, very observant - always picking up when things are out of balance or noticing when someone is feeling off, while always trying to make things better. Highly sensitive, I feel quite deeply and am someone who expresses love by putting others first; I’m always helping and caring.

BC: You moved to Sydney in January, 2020, what was the motive for the move?

HK: After meeting my partner Ivan in Wellington, we were ready to travel together. We spent a year in Perth where I supported his rugby career. We loved living by the beach, in a warmer climate. He had an amazing year, playing rugby for Cottesloe, doing what he set out to achieve, we were ready for something new again. Ivan’s agent called to say an offer had come through from Manly. My mind immediately went to how wonderful it would be to live in the same state as my best friend Michele after living apart for 10 years. We jumped at the opportunity and relocated, setting up home in the Northern Beaches. 

I landed a dream role, Ivan was enjoying his new team and things were going great, but after a few weeks of settling in, COVID hit. I was quickly made redundant (last one on, first one off)  and we began to realise the impact this virus was having on the world. As challenging as it was to be isolated in a community where we had limited support, we didn't want to give up and decided to persevere, choosing to stay in Sydney, seeing Ivan’s delayed rugby season out, while trying to find employment through a pandemic. 

BC: That must have been a really challenging time for you. In early 2021, you decided to see a psychologist for the first time - how was this experience for you and what did you hope to get out of it?

HK: My friend Michele was the first person I told that I was going to see a psychologist. We confided in each other a lot around our journeys, childhood trauma and self-worth. I was her biggest fan and she was always my biggest advocate; reaching out, opening up and letting me know how normal it is to talk to a professional. 

Before I took this first step, I attended a 3 day wellness retreat where I was able to take care of myself. I went offline and immersed myself in twice daily yoga classes and evening meditations with additional workshops exploring mindfulness and breathwork. This helped me to switch off while also opening up a window of suppressed thoughts to come out. I felt a strong sense of courage to start thinking and talking about my earlier experiences. When I got home, I made an appointment with a GP in my local area. I wanted to better understand my belief system, so I could bring healing and more quality to my life.

I was also heavily affected by the ongoing lockdowns in the Northern Beaches. Struggling with the time that had passed since physically seeing my family and friends. At the GP appointment, I completed a mental health questionnaire which provided a scorecard of my wellbeing. My score resulted in  a referral to an onsite psychologist who was, to my surprise, available for appointments on Saturdays and it could be bulk billed under the mental health plan. This took away the pressure of having to reach out and find someone on my own, as well as my concerns around the cost of the care. 

“The initial appointment is always the hardest - where do I start, how much do I divulge, is this the right person and place for me to be…?”

But meeting my psychologist, who was warm and caring, made me comfortable straight away. Starting off slow, we eased into my current thoughts and feelings, warming up to my childhood, right through to where I am today. An hour literally flew by,  in no way did I feel healed, but it was a good feeling, taking the time, putting myself first and sharing some of my deepest thoughts. I booked in my next session and was looking forward to using some of the tools I had learned.

The next morning, I woke to numerous missed calls. Michele had passed away; she had taken her own life. 

I was broken, I felt nothing all the while feeling everything. This world that I knew was never going to be the same again. I returned to the psychologist and explained what had happened, and the last session felt irrelevant. She cried with me as I spoke about losing Michele and the emptiness that was left behind. The session gave me the strength to keep going, to be brave and strong, especially for those around me while also reminding me to create time for myself.

BC: What is the one thing you wished more people knew about grief?

HK: This question is difficult as I hadn’t lost anyone with as much significance in my life before. There are many different elements that come into play around losing Michele. She touched so many peoples lives in more ways than one. It is definitely a journey and while I am still trying to understand grief, I think it has taught me the importance of life being short and to fill it with as much love and happiness as possible. 

No one wants to lose someone they love, but I have learnt that there are still good days, amongst the bad. You can be happy and sad at the same time. You can laugh and cry on the same day. It doesn't make you miss that person any less.

“We are all different, we all grieve different and we should not judge based on what you might be thinking or feeling - there is no right or wrong way to grieve.”

I have found each day is different - leaning on my friends and family and writing down my thoughts have all helped me through the hardest days.

BC: It’s been a big year - on top of the loss of Michele, redundancy and ongoing lockdowns, you found out you were pregnant with your first child. How have you navigated new life through death?

HK: It’s been a huge year! At the beginning of the year, I wanted to gain more control around how I was feeling. As well as seeking professional help, I also told Michele I wanted to challenge myself not to drink socially - I wanted to see if it made a difference to how I was feeling and acting.  I read ‘Quit Like a Woman’ by Holly Whittaker and she highlights “the radical choice to not drink in a culture obsessed with alcohol”. I encouraged Michele to read it too - she was going through a pretty challenging time and I wanted to make positive changes together.

I stopped drinking at the beginning of 2021 and even in the days after Michele’s passing, I stayed alcohol-free. Following her service we came together to celebrate her life and I decided it would only be appropriate to have a ‘spicy marg - hold the sugar syrup’, a Michele Special. There was a lot of comfort in being together with some of her nearest and dearest, but I found myself starting to slip back into bad habits to cope with what had happened.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I found it difficult to celebrate being pregnant while grieving my best friend - there was a lot of extreme happiness and deep sadness at the same time, but this baby boy in my belly has been getting me through the hardest year of my life. 

I talk to our son every day about Aunty Chele. We sit next to her photo and sentimental things she has given me over the years - this helps me with a connection, while also preparing me for future chats about her. I know that when he arrives, Michele will be right there with me. I know she’ll be encouraging me and guiding me, showing me I can do it. She has such a special and strong connection with children, so doing this without her has been emotional and difficult.

BC: What do you hope to teach your son about love and about life?

HK: Love is by example. I hope that our son sees this through the love Ivan and I have for one another and the love we have for him. Teaching him that regardless of what happens in life, we will always be there no matter the hardships and hurdles.

As I prepare for our baby's arrival, I have come to realise how much my mum taught me about love and life through making her own very difficult decisions. She is one excited Grandma and he is going to be one loved little boy.

Interview by Bonny Co. | Images @tanecoffin | Connect @holliekane_