The system is broken, so what can we do?

Words by Kelly Müller.

If you follow Bonny Co on Instagram, you may have seen that I recently started fundraising for an upcoming Out of the Shadows walk for Lifeline Australia. The initiative aims to increase awareness of Suicide Prevention and on September 10th, invites individuals to walk 9km for the 9 Australian lives lost every day. I’m turning it up a notch and will be running the 9kms along with my coaches and fellow members of BFT Ballina both because I think it’s an incredibly worthy cause - something that sadly hits home far too hard for me, but also because it gives me an opportunity to talk more about the ‘broken system’ and what we can all do to help.  

The thing is, raising awareness puts pressure on an already overloaded system. Many people suffering from mental illness or those on the struggling end of the mental health spectrum are tangled up in long wait lists. Therapists are often full to the brim, trying to help as many clients as they can and unable to take on new ones. And let’s not forget about those who aren’t even on a wait list due to a lack of financial means.

Help for our mental health is expensive. Unfairly so. It’s also bureaucratic and in my personal opinion, quite single minded and atomistic. And sadly, awareness alone will not change that.

9 Australian lives being lost to suicide every single day is 9 lives too many and my belief is that change starts with you and I, it starts with all of us. Helping with mental health in a holistic and healthy way starts within our homes and our communities, and in order to truly raise awareness and make change, we have to follow through with action.

I spoke to Certified Practising Counsellor Tammi Miller, Registered Counsellor & Psychotherapist Ellie Rose and Clinical Nutritionist Eloise Hyne to find out ways in which ‘us regular people’ can be more supportive of those struggling with mental health and mental illness.

Check In and Check In Again

“So often we see people check in maybe once - on a key day like a birthday, a grief anniversary, RUOK day (which is definitely better than nothing), but it is SO hard for people to reach out so we need to make it consistently clear that we are a safe space, so that when they need it, we’re there. If we did that for even just one person in our lives, it would have a massive flow on impact,” says Ellie.

When checking in, make sure you’re asking ‘are you ok’ at a time that you’re not busy or rushing. If they trust you and are ready to, the conversation may take a while so don’t ask it in haste or when you’re too busy to reply.

Know that they might not open up the first time, so be the person that asks twice. Three times. Too many times. If something feels off, it probably is, so please keep trying and if that doesn’t work, try again. Don’t stop trying.

Make Sure You Follow Through

Mental health challenges have been normalised over the past few years, which is fantastic, but it often stops at the awareness stage and without the follow through, the people who need the most help and support are still falling through the cracks. If you’ve asked a loved one if they’re ok and are on the receiving end of them telling you they’re not, know that it’s probably not even the half of it. They may be testing you to see if they can trust you or how comfortable they feel, so be gentle. Be patient. Be open.

If you offer an ear and they accept, try to do it in person and make it as nonconfrontational as possible. It can be difficult to have hard discussions over dinner or a drink so try suggesting a walk, where you’re side by side and they don’t have to look directly at you.

“Supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health doesn’t have to be an onerous task. Simply letting them know you care can have a huge impact and can take the form of a quick ‘thinking of you’ text or an invitation to go for a park walk together,” says Tammi.

“Other ways we can help include gifting self-help books, reminding them of the good in their life (such as through gratitude exercises or chatting about things they love, like their pet or their favourite film), and – most importantly – providing an open ear to listen.”

Simply asking if there’s anything you can do is not enough. Often your loved one won’t know what they need so follow through with something tangible – offer to cook them dinner or drop off a new book they’ve been wanting. Fold their washing or pick up their dry cleaning. Offer something specific rather than leaving it up to them to make a decision.

Practise Active Listening

“So many of us avoid challenging conversations because ‘we don’t know what to say’ - but that’s likely missing the point. You probably need to say less than you think and listen for what they need (validation, comfort, to vent),” says Ellie.

If you get a feeling that the conversation with a loved one is going to get deep, let yourself sit in the discomfort, open yourself up to it and let that person feel your warmth and support. Don’t tell them to ‘stop thinking about it’, ‘to calm down’, ‘to be grateful’ or ‘not to worry’ - your loved one is not worrying on purpose or because they think it’s fun.

Don’t try to ‘fix’ them, don’t tell them what to do, don’t make it about you. Just listen.

Book In For A Mental Health First Aid Course

It might feel confronting but given half of those who lose their lives to suicide each year are not accessing a mental health service at that time, it is our responsibility as fellow human beings to do more. Mental Health First Aid skills based, early-intervention training programs equip people with the knowledge and confidence to recognise, connect and respond to someone experiencing a mental health problem or mental health crisis.

Anyone can have a conversation that may save a life and everyone should know how. Many courses are free and easily searchable.

Educate and Action

If a loved one tells you they’re not feeling their best, Ellie suggests writing out on two pieces of paper – ‘what is in control’ and ‘what is not?’

“While this sounds too simplified, often when we are struggling our minds make it so incredibly difficult to see what small steps we can take in the direction of our wellbeing. This can greatly help in managing others mental health too. Working out what we can control helps us to see what our options may be.”

Being ‘in control’ might be shortlisting psychologists or mental health professionals for your loved one. Or it might be educating yourself on other services that exist while your loved one is waiting for intensive support. Things like support groups, online mental health guides, podcasts, guided meditations or even mental health yoga (“but always make sure they are led by a valid professional before you recommend such things,” reminds Ellie).

It could mean forming a circle of support around them: “So often those who are struggling don’t have enough personal support - this doesn’t always look like offering the space for an emotional heart-to-heart, it could simply be having an activity you bond and connect over where you can encourage their passions and give them a calming, fun, playful experience.” Colouring in or crafting, painting, listening to music, book club – there are ample ways you can build a support network.

Widen your network, ask questions, do some research and try to equip yourself with as much knowledge as you can about their illness or mental state. Be proactive. Think about how you can provide for your loved one in ways they may not be able to.

“Our hygiene and self-maintenance are often less of a focus when in a mental health crisis,” says Tammi. “Dropping by with ready-made, nutritious meals or an offer to freshen their home can be productive ways to show support.”

Get Back to Basics

Three fundamentals of optimum wellbeing are diet, sleep and exercise; however all three of these things usually drop off during a time of crisis. If your loved one wants hot chips for dinner (which we all know are delicious but not super nutritious), don’t tell them they shouldn’t or can’t, just make sure you’re dropping round healthy, delicious, protein rich meals as well.

“Clean, simple and fresh food, easy egg-based dishes like omelettes or frittatas, humble chicken soup or a hearty nourishing meal like dhal are all great options. What these foods have in common is that they are high in protein, which helps to stabilise blood sugars and moods,” says Eloise.

“A higher intake of fresh fruit and vegetables will offer nature’s natural supplement – try cooking something for your loved one with a new type of vegetable each week. Essential fatty acids are also incredibly important for brain health – foods like hemp seeds, nuts / seeds, oily fish such as sardine, salmon and mackerel.”

If they’re having trouble sleeping, help them to create a beautiful bedtime ritual and package it up for them in an easy-to-take way. It could be a candle and a journal, an eye mask, a few drops of lavender behind the ears or a supplement.

“Over the counter help in the form of magnesium can be very supportive of the nervous system – the best forms for relaxation are Magnesium citrate, Magnesium glycinate, Magnesium malate which you can get from your local health store.

B Complex is also an important supplement to investigate - B vitamins are the backbone of the nervous system and energy production which means mood boosting,” says Eloise.

It’s important that before purchasing any kind of supplement for your loved one, they check in with their doctor or medical team if they’re on medication. Safe ways to offer at home support could be a cacao drink before bed, which is naturally high in magnesium, or again, coming back to foods rich in magnesium and B complex.

“Foods rich in magnesium include almonds, citrus foods, green leafy vegetables, wholegrains, nuts/ seeds, fruit and soy products while foods rich in B Complex include dark leafy vegetables, shellfish, cacao, milk, cheese, eggs, chicken or red meat,” says Eloise.

Connect With Community

It’s not always easy to convince a loved one to do something new when they’re not feeling their best but “connection to our community and other people is incredibly important for our mental wellbeing,” explains Tammi. If you’re a member of a local gym, see if they have free trials or referrals and take your loved one along with you. Go to a guided meditation, a free reading at the library or a local planting day. It can be something big or small – sound out what they feel up to and just do your best to surround them with love, care and community.

“Knowing that there’s someone out there who cares for us can make a big difference to our mindset,” says Tammi.

Keep Hold of Perspective

To be able to truly help others, we need to be willing to believe in things we cannot see. When you’re supporting a loved one, it can be an incredibly frustrating time. There are ups and downs, lots of repetitive conversations and outcomes that logical brains won’t be able to make sense of. It can get frustrating when things you suggest don’t work and while it can be incredibly hard at times, remind yourself how hard it must be for them. Your lived experience is not their lived experience and while you may never understand what they’re going through, you can always try to be what they need.

“It's important to remember that mental illness is bigger than many of us. Our friends may experience feelings and beliefs about the world that we just cannot understand, though we still should enable a space free of judgement,” says Tammi.

As a support person, it’s a good idea to set boundaries, to take time for yourself, give only what you can and engage in your own preferred choice of therapy.

“We should only give what we can when supporting a friend. Keep an eye on your own mood when supporting other people and call in support when you find it all too much. 

Referring them to professional support, such as Lifeline or a mental health practitioner, will give them the tailored assistance they need,” reminds Tammi.

Don’t stop trying. They really are worth it. And if we all make the effort to do just a little bit more, together we can make real change.

If you would like to make a donation, we would be so grateful. Please do so here (open until September 10th), but more importantly, I’d love you to bookmark this article, read it again and again and share it with friends, family, colleagues and everyone else you know.