Tayla Damir on accepting and living with anxiety.

Some may know her as a daughter, fiancée of Nathan Broad, a friend, a dog mum or a media talent, but Tayla Damir describes herself as “someone who is outgoing, adventurous, cares deeply for the people I love, is up for any challenge and someone who is driven to be more.” 

Raised in Perth and based in Melbourne with a few Sydney stints between, Tayla works in media and has lived out of home since she was 21. “I first moved to Byron to work on radio, then ventured off to the big smoke of Sydney after my time on a reality TV show. My family have always been so supportive of my crazy and wild life choices but I have always known I could run home if I ever needed to.”

What some may not know is that she suffers anxiety, and a generational lack of knowledge within her family meant she was undiagnosed for a significant part of her life.

“Growing up half Australian, half Lebanese/Assyrian, my family always used the expression ‘you get your temper from being ethnic’ or ‘you get it from your dad’. This always made me feel like I just had a genetic problem and was angry sometimes for no good reason.” 

An inability to express what she was feeling and a lack of understanding around what anxiety was or meant, had Tayla being labelled, in her words, as “a crazy leb” after having meltdowns and expressing anger over situations that likely wouldn’t affect most people. 

At 19, Tayla was introduced to a program that helped her to understand the root of her fears, anxiety and mental health struggles and here, she generously shares her experience, what she hopes for the mental health space in the future and how she manages her anxiety today.

BC: When did you notice difficulties with your mental health?

TD: My parents knew very little about mental health, especially my dad, who grew up in a war torn country where they were taught that men can't cry. Anxiety and depression weren’t even words they had in their vocabulary. As a result of that generation's lack of knowledge, I went undiagnosed for years.

The conversations around anxiety and depression were not as transparent as they are today; if you told someone you had depression during my schooling years, they just assumed you self harmed or wanted attention.

“I used anger to mask my overwhelming feelings of stress and self hate. I had undiagnosed body dysmorphia, anxiety, depression, I was dyslexic and I had serious attitude problems. Basically I was a psychologist's dream.”

I felt as though there was no end to my battle with my mental health and I really hated the world at times. This hate affected a lot of my friendships and my family dynamic.

It wasn’t until I was in year 11 and kicked down my bedroom door because I felt dumb over school work that my mum realised I needed help from a doctor. Both my parents were unable to help me and I found myself crawling up in a ball, bawling my eyes out, unable to breathe, screaming “I feel like there's a demon inside me”. I spoke to my childhood doctor and she had me complete a form to indicate if I had depression and anxiety. Instantly, she recommended I see a psychologist as I had fallen into the bracket for both. 

My mum was so scared that they would just put me on medication which would change me - this again comes from that stigma around mental health for that generation. She reluctantly let me see a psychologist however, I never really felt they helped much. If anything it pulled all my past traumas from an abusive relationship and self hate to the surface - but that’s one of the things with mental illness, it takes trying different things and seeing different professionals to find what and who works best for you.

BC: What did help with your anxiety and depression?

TD: When I was 19, an important person in my life introduced me to a program called Life Skills Australia. The four day intense course taught me to stop blaming everyone else for my problems, to start taking ownership and to learn better ways to manage what I was feeling. This course helped me to rebuild my relationship with my dad - who never truly understood my anxiety and anger. It helped me learn to recognise that I wasn’t alone or broken and it allowed me to see my anxiety as a tool rather than a weapon. This person passed away not long after and I truly believe he came into my life to introduce me to this course - for that I will forever be grateful. 

I felt like after doing this course I could see an improvement in my life, they were teaching me skills to handle my mind rather than the psychologist I was seeing at that time, who just seemed to bring it all to the surface.

I find mindfulness activities really beneficial when I am struggling. I use affirmations, journals, bubble baths, long walks, meditation, watching the ocean, yoga and exercise as holistic approaches. When I know that I am in a slump and I am struggling to pull myself out, these days I call my current psychologist and talk it through with her. Everyone is different but these are processes that work well for me.  

BC: You have an enviable career as a TV personality, business owner and entrepreneur and at face value, most people wouldn’t know that you suffer anxiety. How do you manage this in such public facing roles?

TD: Over the years I have learned that my anxiety is more a reflection of what I think about myself. I am most anxious when I have allowed the negative self talk inside my mind to take over. I could stand up to present in front of a crowd of 10,000 people and not feel one ounce of anxiety but if I felt down about my appearance or as though I wasn't worthy of that role, that's when my anxiety would kick in. 

During my time on TV, a lot of people didn't understand how I could get through the show given I had such crippling anxiety. What they didn’t know is that my anxiety never stemmed from people watching me - it came from whether they thought I was’ fat or ugly’ or if they didn't seem to like me as a person.

“I realised the only person causing these thoughts was myself and my own negative mindset. In order for me to overcome my anxiety, I needed to first learn to love myself.”

I find it important to let people know that I suffer from anxiety and depression as it is, and will always be, a part of who I am - and I am ok with that. My anxiety and depression has made me who I am today and is also the driving force behind my business and motivation to be the change I want to see. I own Angel Energy and Co, an affirmation card and gratitude journal business I started during the first lockdown to help people better their mental health and feel less alone. 

When I started my business, I didn’t have anxiety over starting it, I had anxiety that people would think I was too dumb to own a business and again, that was rooted from my own thoughts telling me I wasn’t smart enough. I have been lucky enough to learn the skill to realise my own thought process and try to alter the way I think before it spirals. This is why I love affirmations so much because it's a way of rewiring your mind to think more positively. 

BC: What do you wish more people knew about anxiety?

TD: I wish people knew that it isn't a choice to feel anxious. I find a lot of people, including my fiancé at the start, feel as though we are choosing to be anxious or depressed. It isn't a choice. The best way I describe it to people is by asking them: What is your biggest fear? If they answer with ‘heights’, I ask them to think about how they feel when they have been up high, too close to an edge. I remind them that they can step away from that edge and instantly feel better. They know that the height is what’s making them feel scared and stressed and shaking and panicky.

“Anxiety is all of those feelings put together, but 99% of the time you don't know what is causing the feeling so you can't just step away from the ledge - instead you have to ride the feeling until it just magically disappears, which can sometimes take minutes or even days.”

BC: How do you like to be helped?

When I am anxious I just need to feel like my feelings are validated. As a lot of my anxiety stems from being hard on myself, it’s important that the people around me reassure me that they don't hate me for it and aren't judging me for it. I like to be held by a loved one. 

The worst thing you can do when I'm anxious is push me to speak about it. I tend to shut down and go quiet -which can sometimes make people feel like it's their own fault - but that isn't the case. I don’t want to talk, I just want to be close. Also don't ever ask me what I want to eat when I am depressed or anxious, it will result in a full breakdown!!! Just put some food in front of me and hope for the best.

BC: What change do you hope to see in the mental health space?

I hope to see better education within schools. The conversations need to be less curriculum based and more real life experiences and holistic approaches. It is so important for kids to know there isn't a black and white approach to mental health and that there are so many options they can try to not only better their own mental health but their lives. 

Social media is playing a huge role in creating mental health problems with all age groups. I would love to educate people more around this and hope to show people that social media is smoke and mirrors. It is possible to change your social media to benefit your mental health rather than damage it even further - there’s definitely more work to be done here.

My aim has always been to be as transparent as possible through my social media and share my struggles and story so at least one person who may be feeling the same way can feel a little less alone. I want to use social media, a platform I was lucky enough to fall upon, to help break down stigmas around mental health so that no one has to feel broken or alone like I once felt. I truly lose sleep over feeling like I’m not doing enough to help others who are struggling and spend hours trying to work out how I can be that difference in the world. I know I will get there one day and truly hope for now what I am doing is enough. 

It took me years to get to the place I am today to understand and be so aware of my mental health. Although I wish it was picked up on earlier, I don't blame anyone for that and hopefully as we break down the stigma more and more with organisations like Bonny Co, we will help kids suffering to find treatment and get help earlier.

BC:  What does happiness mean to you?

Happiness is love. Loving myself, loving the people around me and being/ feeling loved. I truly believe love conquers all. 

Interview by Bonny Co. | Images Cara Mand | Connect @tayla.damir