Julia Lamb talks friendship, fertility and family.

Born in Wellington, Aotearoa in the late 80s, Julia Lamb arrived earthside true to Sagittarian traits: “My dad tells the story of the midwife who delivered me - she was fabulous, she was flamboyant and sprung into the delivery suite with a big “I’m here!!” She was wearing huge dangly earrings and bright 80’s makeup. He believes this first worldly encounter has added to the outgoing personality I have today.”

Her close knit family has been a formative part of her growth and confidence and she was always encouraged to do anything she wanted to do.

“I was always told women can do anything. My dad is a strong feminist and dismissed any limitations I had voiced. I grew up truly believing that anything was possible.”

Close friendships and inspiring mentors have guided Julia through a successful event management degree then the general management of her family’s hospitality business, however when her best friend died in 2021, Julia was faced with one of her biggest challenges - navigating the loss of Michele while showing up in a very public role day in and day out. 

Julia talks to us about the challenges of separating her professional and personal life, what she wishes more people knew about grief and what she’s learned from life’s most difficult moments.

BC: You studied event management in Otago, what did you hope to do with this when you finished university? 

JL: Moving to Otago was one of the best decisions of my life. Although I was nervous about moving away from home, I learned independence and grew a large network of friends and support. After finishing, I hoped to move into the event space for large scale events and I was lucky enough to land a role for the 2011 Rugby World Cup. It was a huge opportunity and as my first ‘real’ job, I was very grateful. My boss was a wonderful woman named Jo and I admired her. She was running a successful business, she was strong, passionate and driven, yet kind and encouraging. Not to mention she was beautiful, stylish and had a gorgeous family. She was a major boss babe and was everything I aspired to be! She would tell me when and how I could do better, giving me advice and business lessons I still use to this day.

After the Rugby World Cup wrapped up, my plan was to move to London to work on the 2012 Olympics. However, my parents were running a hospitality business and reached out to me as they were struggling with the workload. I put my hand up to help them out for 12 months - which has now turned into ten years! I wouldn’t change it for anything though, it has been personally fulfilling, I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learnt and I’ve been able to work alongside my family running a successful business through many challenging times. 

BC: What are some of the benefits (and drawbacks) to working within a family business?

JL: It has been a mostly positive experience! My mum, dad and sister April are all a strong support network for me. We get on very well and all have our own roles so we don’t step on each other’s toes. I am the General Manager and have a wonderful team of 15 staff. They have become family to me and most have been here the entire time I have. Being a relatively small business, and because I live on site four days a week, a close bond with my staff is so important. I care about them and their families and I know they care about me and mine too.

One of the negatives however, is that because we work together, and it’s at times an onerous job, we don’t get to spend any time together away from work. We can’t really holiday together as someone always needs to be at the property; we can’t do family dinners and it’s a logistical nightmare to be able to attend the likes of family weddings.

To combat this, we have lunch together everyday which has become a tradition where we discuss everything from business, life, politics, goals and personal check-ins. With that being said, it’s hard to find time where we can be there to support each other personally. The business takes a lot of our time and our mind space. This year has been particularly challenging as we lost Michele in January 2021, who had been battling with mental health. Not long after, my husband and I found out that we may struggle to have a baby naturally - both very heavy and difficult pieces of news to hear, that I was not fully mentally prepared for. 

BC: How are you managing with the ups and downs of your fertility journey?

JL: My husband and I had been trying for about two years and I had a feeling something wasn’t going as it should. I have always trusted my instincts so I went to see my doctor. I asked for some tests and pushed for a referral to a fertility clinic. Mike and I went to the fertility appointment together, we were both so naive and thought we were probably over reacting and it would just happen naturally. 

After the first appointment, we came out shocked. We went to lunch and didn’t really know how to process the information. It was so overwhelming and we left feeling very deflated. All I wanted to do was pick up the phone and call Michele and cry - the fact I couldn’t just added to my sadness. Michele was such a positive person yet would always acknowledge my feelings and gently help me find the path to a solution. She was always the one that I turned to, the one who would give me advice and the one who would tell me it would be ok. I needed that, I needed her and just wished so much she would answer the phone.

The clinic gave us what seemed like a hundred pamphlets and told us to read through them. I hated that as it felt so impersonal and made me feel as though I was just another customer in a queue, waiting for something as insignificant as a takeaway order. I wanted to talk to someone face to face, ask questions, understand the process and the implications. Luckily, I had some brave girlfriends who had been through similar experiences and were happy to be that support. It was so beneficial to be able to ask questions from people I trusted.

This, combined with coffee dates, phone calls, a simple check in, or even a book recommendation, was the positive support I needed and it was so greatly appreciated. I am only at the beginning of my journey and I know there are many steps ahead but I feel grateful not to be alone and to have the solid support of amazing women (and men) to guide me through.

BC: Losing Michele, learning of the fertility journey ahead and balancing a demanding job can’t be easy. Talk us through some of the challenges.

JL: It seems crazy now but when Michele passed away I tried to push all my emotions down and save them for ‘another time’. I took just five days off and put on what feels like a mask. I didn’t share my feelings with my family, friends or staff and I just kept going. I would find myself breaking down in the times I was alone - in the shower, in bed or on a walk with my dog Roux.

“It was as if I could physically feel my heart breaking and falling apart, like watching petals fall off a wilting rose.”

I was in such a sad place that I couldn't give my family, my staff, my job or our business the 100% of me they were used to. Although alone time is important and I needed that for personal reflection, I realised I was not sharing how I was truly feeling with my support circle. I’m trying to be better at this and although I still find it hard to share the emotional workload, I’m aware of it. I try to be honest with how I’m feeling, take time out when I need it and try to be easier on myself. I’m realising that my ‘professional self’ and my ‘personal self’ share the same feelings so I try to give myself the support that I give others.

BC: What is the one thing you wished more people knew about grief?

JL: I had never lost anyone in my life before. I often reflect back on times where friends and family lost someone close to them and at the time I thought it was better not to say anything incase of upsetting them or bringing up painful memories. What I have learnt through this recent experience is how important it is to reach out and connect. When Michele passed, so many wonderful people reached out to me; people who I hadn’t heard from in a long time; people who had fallen to the background because of life. I was so surprised and grateful for the messages, the thoughts and the love people were giving me. The lesson for me was to say something, say anything, and show people that you love them and you’re thinking of them - it means more than you will ever realise!

BC: What role has therapy played in your life?

JL: For me, therapy is engaging with friends who are going through or have been through a similar experience. And it might sound silly but also talking to my dog, Roux - although she can’t talk back, she’s a great listener. She makes me go outside, enjoy fresh air, listen to nature and reminds me that the world is bigger than the emotions I might be feeling. Caring for her gives me perspective and reminds me of love.

My husband Mike also plays a big role in my wellbeing; allowing me to break down when I need to, offering up cuddles when I don’t even ask and being emotionally available for me even though he is also hurting.

Outwardly, I think people would say that I manage stress well and to a certain extent I do, however the ‘3am scaries’ is where it all falls apart for me. I lie in bed, toss and turn and worry about everything possible. I started using a mindful meditation app which I mainly used for the breathing exercises and while I don’t do it as regularly anymore, I learned some great tips on how to calm the mind and body down. I think the biggest lesson was how to let thoughts pass through my mind without overwhelming myself.

I also find if I write things down, either in notes in my phone, in my diary, on paper or on my hand (!!), it helps me to find clarity.

BC: What have your greatest challenges taught you about love and about life?

JL: I guess for me challenges aren’t necessarily ‘overcome’; I live with challenges that make me who I am. I don’t aim to go through them and come out the other side, they are the journey of life and co-exist with the good times. I am overall a positive person and my outlook is to always look for the good! When I’m hurting I think of funny memories Michele and I shared together. When I’m sad about not having my own babies yet, I look at friends' beautiful children and laugh at the funny things they say and do. If I feel alone, then I gather the girls to laugh, cry and hug it out.

“Perhaps my life lesson then is to show, and share, love always.”

Interview by Bonny Co. | Images by Michael Lamb | Connect @julesandroux